Letters

Stages of exhaustion

2008-08-11T00:11:00.000-07:00

There are several stages of being tired. They all have their nuances and details, with specific feelings and tendencies of behavior.

Listed increasing degrees:
1. groggy. waking up from deep sleep or a nap and feeling nearly paralysed. your eyes are a little puffy, your head screams to fall back into that peaceful darkness, you smear makeup on your face, hope the coffee will clear your head. it's very natural.

2. late nights. feeling numb from staying up way past midnight into the wee hours. your thoughts are still ticking but physically you're tired. or, the opposite - physically you're awake but mentally you just want to shut your brain off. also very normal.

3. physical labor. from lifting, standing, exercising. this is the best kind of "tired feeling," as your body feels refreshed from being energized, but then just wants to gracefully slip away to rest. but if you stress your body out, be prepared for tomorrow's sore muscles.

4. emotionally drained. from being depressed, don't want to eat, talk to anyone, or basically get out of bed. eyes are puffy from crying. or maybe it's degenerated to complete apathy and hopelessness. the tv doesn't even feel like a welcoming presence anymore. everything is irritating, you feel no one understands you, it's a mixture of cycling vortexes of guilt, bitterness, anger, sorrow, and loss.

5. combination or extended periods of any of the above = pure exhaustion. when all you want to do is escape from this world. you can't think properly, people you love seem to get more annoying every day, you only get 5-6.5 hours of sleep, you're forced to take the bus to work or your internship, you have too many activities/commitments going on at once, you start skipping out on things, your performance is slipping, showers feel good but don't last very long. you're not happy anymore. even a once-in-a-while sleep in on a saturday leaves you dissatisfied - with life.

Macrame

2008-08-11T00:10:00.000-07:00

The art of knotting to make patterns, handbags, jewelry, wall hangings, etc. Supposedly traditionally more masculine than knitting.

I really want to get good at it :]

Being 20

2008-08-11T00:08:00.000-07:00

Jealous of girls who've "done more"

aspiring to become the person I want to be in 5, 10, 20 years

still too fat for my own good

eating unhealthy foods and proud of it

competitive

still insecure

wondering constantly about the future

unwrinkled face

summer jobs

hoping, always hoping

Bliss

2008-08-11T00:07:00.001-07:00

State of deadened ignorance, false naivety and optimism.

Anxiety

2008-08-11T00:05:00.000-07:00

Shy away from purpose and the mission because fear cripples.

Bookmarks

2008-08-06T10:57:00.000-07:00

New websites to love:
-CasaSugar
-Craftzine
-FreePeople (like UO but smaller and more bohemian)

Paper stores to love:
-Papyrus
-Miki's Paper (Berkeley, Japanese-inspired patterns)
-Paper Source
-Hello Lucky (San Francisco, eclectic studio)

Green Interior Design
-Apartment Therapy (Seattle)

Blogs to Love:
-CasaSugar
-GiggleSugar
-PoppyTalk

LOVE. LoVE. lOVE. !!

~~

Goodbye

2008-08-06T00:00:00.000-07:00

Summer's going away, and soon it'll be school again. I love fall time. I think it's my new official favorite season. I love the anticipation leading up to the holiday season, the changing weather, the fashion apparel, the coziness by the fireplace, the family gatherings, it's all good!

I miss summer already. I'm so not ready to go back to school.

Hot July days

2008-08-04T23:39:00.000-07:00

Here's an interesting correlation: the warmer the day is, the more people there are.

All last week, it was slow. Even on Friday. I hate it when it's slow because I get bored.

But last Saturday, it was one of the craziest days ever at the Milk Pail. Second only to the first week I started working, when the weather got jealous of hell and turned up the heat to the hundreds.

That Saturday, it seemed like everyone wanted to go the Milk Pail. It was jam packed all day long. Usually, there are surges of people, but on Saturday, pretty much from lunchtime to closing, it was so full that you could hardly move. People were standing side to side, cart to cart and there was no room to exit.

I whipped through groceries like I was playing 16th notes on the piano set to a 120 tempo. At times, typing in all those produce numbers really does feel like playing piano. Which is kind of silly, because the only music that comes out is the annoyed beeping of the register. It's pretty fickle.

I could hardly contain my excitement! But of course, after a while, it gets so hectic all you really see is the totaled number on the register screen and groceries: strawberries, oranges, milk, bread, eggs, bananas, and on and on.

I don't even see people's faces anymore. I'm saying "Hello" and "Thanks" to a blank wall as each new customer dumps their groceries on my counter. I'm really good with counting up change and memorizing all those numbers now. It could be useful if I ever work at another grocery-type store in the future (the owner of the Milk Pail refuses to acknowledge that we're a grocery store. We're an "open-air European farmer's market." Which, I hope not, but hey, it's a living for some people.

Juana

2008-08-04T23:27:00.000-07:00

Juanita, the other Mexicans call her. Her name's Juana, and I wish I could speak enough Spanish to be on a more intimate level with her.

Yesterday, on break, she began opening up to me in her slightly broken English.

"Your English is really good!" I tried to console her. She's taking classes two days of the week to improve her writing and reading skills.

Juana is an independent woman. She broke up with her boyfriend and moved out here to California. She's slowly saving up money to finish her half-developed home in Mexico. She still needs to decorate it. She's not married, but one day she plans to be.

"My dad always said, if someone lies to you once, they're gonna always be a liar," Juana speaks of her ex. "Forget it. They'll never change." She left both of her parents in Mexico, but she seems to have treasured her father's advice somewhere deep inside.

She's going to become an American citizen one day: curly bushy hair, a little stocky, heart shaped earrings, full of pride and confidence, but I know her heart longs for home.

Every night when we're closing up the store, we have to shoo out the rest of the lagging customers who are still stubbornly picking fruit even though it's 10 minutes past closing time. Maybe they're a little deaf. But it probably has to do with the fact that most customers can't speak or understand English too well. Juana does the shooing the best.

"The store is closing! Please come to pay! No more shopping!" Juana yells out, walking around all the produce, rounding up the people. That cracks me up. It always makes me smile.

When my break's up, I'm sad I won't get to hear more of Juana's story. Maybe tomorrow's break.

Giuseppe

2008-08-04T23:18:00.000-07:00

I met Giuseppe last Saturday, I think. He has a wrinkly face, swept back grayed coarse hair like an old movie star's, and kind of tall. When he shook my hand, it was all smooth, and I felt embarrassed because my hands are really rough from handling groceries and cleaning all day.

I feel like I've known him for a long time. When he smiles, his eyes look really kind. He asked me what school I went to, what I was studying, and gave me some advice about life. He said he used to fight in Italy against the Germans. "Come sta?" he greeted me. He can speak a little Italian. Education is something that can never be taken from you, he said earnestly. He speaks slowly and clearly, but not sternly. That's how he picked up some Italian phrases, he said. He seemed really impressed that I was studying journalism.

I saw him again today, gentle, kind. When he shook my hand, I suddenly felt a strong sense of nostalgia, like I would never see him again. I leave next week for grungy, dirty Los Angeles. Back to young, naive and independent college life. But I yearned to learn more from this man. I almost asked him for his number. Can you believe that? A skippy 20-year-old girl like me shy about asking a number from an elderly man.

Dilemma

2008-08-02T02:05:00.000-07:00

I wish I never had to make difficult choices but one always rolls my way.

Should I quit the Daily Trojan, the daily newspaper at my school? I have not had a good experience at all with the paper. The people aren't that great to work with, the schedule is grueling, and I'm not getting good enough clips. I've gotten into misunderstandings with my editors repeatedly.

But if I quit, where will I get substantial news/feature clips for my writing portfolio? I don't have a car, so I can't get an outside internship. It seems like the DT is my only option, but I have a strong urge to take the plunge and give it up.

If I quit, I need to have the security that I will still be able to get a solid news/writing internship.

I don't know, I need a couple more weeks to mull this over.

Work Day

2008-08-01T10:03:00.000-07:00

Another long work day. Got up at 9, work til 9, come home, keep working until midnight. Exhausted and tired from thinking about it.

My Birthday

2008-07-30T10:54:00.000-07:00

When I turned 16, I was pretty apathetic about the whole "Sweet Sixteen" hype... nothing big, no fancy party, no extravaganza, just some friends over to eat some cake and hangout. Same thing with 17, 18, 19.. but this 20th birthday, I'm sad. Work has stolen my freedom to be apathetic about my birthday.

Before, I chose not to do anything about my birthday. But this year, I won't get to have one at all besides with my family. I'm working from 12pm-9pm every day and I work on the weekends. I just mainly want a reason to see all my friends again before I go back to LA. I hope I can get out of this melancholy mood soon enough

Business ... as usual?

2008-03-14T14:40:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago after business class some guys said some really inappropriate things. We had a pretty female guest speaker come and lecture about the psychology of entrepreneurship. She mentioned that one of the prison inmates she works with showed his "weenie" to her.

And after class, one of the guys said something like, "She wouldn't have to say weenie, cuz mine would have already been inside her!!" to the laughs of all the other guys around them.

I'm not a man-hater, but things like this make me really grovel and want to slap guys who say things like this or worse... commit rape.

Rape is such an ugly term. It's violent, it's extremely humiliating and many guys commit something similar -- sexual assault/harassment.

The way men treat women has improved greatly over the past century thanks to voting and civil rights women's groups. But I think many men still dehumanize women in a way that is extremely disrespectful. Men are our protectors and our leaders... not terrorists.

And yeah, I'm going to use that term, a terrorist, defined by Webster as " the systematic use of terror especially as a means of coercion " to describe rape and sexual assault. Many times it is out of fear or physical inability that women are forced to consent.

I don't know what movie it was, but I just saw a film on WeTV that showed a rape case being tried in court.

One of the scenes was a flash back to the rape. A group of drunk guys at a bar were encouraging each other to rape a drunk woman. The first guy started kissing her and then backed her against a pool table, using his body weight to prevent her from standing up or from pushing him off. He then raped her in front of everyone. Then the next guy, and then the next. People shouted to "hold her down!" and other demeaning things.

Others in the bar watched passively or just turned away. The only other woman saw what was happening but did nothing, probably out of fear that it would happen to her, and left the bar.

Group rape is not uncommon, people. It happened in my neighborhood close to where I live, to a high school girl at a De Anza college party. And once again, it was a bunch of drunk guys standing around a bed watching a girl get raped.

Although I won't say anything too personal, I will say that I am not going to tolerate any kind of sexual harassment or even casual jokes about women. This is pure disrespect.

Guys, please watch what you say about women or do to them, whether drunk or sober.

Ladies, please be careful about your situation. Watch out for each other at parties and public places in general.

Women CEO Networking Event

2008-03-12T00:34:00.000-07:00

Networking event today at Doheny Library had free food, so I went.

But I actually did learn a couple things:
- know that when you work at a job, you gain by learning, but you should also contribute
- the people who rise to the top are successful often because they're well-rounded and have skills in many different areas
- be creative, innovative, able to adapt to new situations

I am going to own my own business one day.

"Shift Happens."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljbI-363A2Q

Drawing

2008-03-10T21:04:00.000-07:00

I should draw more often, spontaneous streams of color.

This is my latest invention, called "Fat Penguin."

My boyfriend said it looks like him. He said, "What the! Why did you accentuate my goo."

Haha, goo.

[ pastel on textured paper ]

Tired

2008-03-10T21:00:00.001-07:00

I just deleted a bunch of posts. I hate it that blogger doesn't let you set an individual post to private. Maybe I should switch back to Xanga.

Interesting journalism tips from Philip Seib at the workshop today:
-make campus newspaper more of an online presence: photos, sound bites, video, specific politics pages
-analyze big national issues at a college level, integrate USC students into that
- focus groups?

I'm extremely tired. I didn't get enough sleep last night but I couldn't get a nice nap this afternoon so now I have a headache. It'd be nice to curl up in my blankets and sleep.

Work out time

2008-02-18T12:08:00.000-08:00

ideas to accomplish:
start purse line / recruit a model for handbags / revamp website
-make videos for fun / fashion show?

Working out... to look good in a swimsuit
-exercise 3-4 times a week by running at least a mile.
-make sure to stretch!

Journalism tips

2008-02-05T22:43:00.000-08:00

broadcast:
- better framing of interview
- get up close to the action

print:
- organize details better
- get the character of a group/person

Learnings

2008-02-04T23:57:00.001-08:00

Dan Rather:

-become the best writer you can be and you will always have a job.
-don't lose your idealism.

hmm. interesting words of wisdom.

IQ: inadequate quiz

2008-01-06T16:47:00.001-08:00

I don't like IQ tests because I'm scared of them. So I'll just analyze myself.

For one, I know that I have a really slow sense of logic. In fact, I feel completely retarded when someone is explaining something new to me and it requires many complicated steps. I hate that feeling. It's the same feeling I get when I try to compose music: utter frustration and a mental bruise.

In one sense, having poor logic is a terrible thing. It means I can't debate well. And I would bomb on the IQ test.

In another sense, I can nearly consider myself a genius in having poor logic. Because I've noticed how easily I can pick up words and language. I just "get it." Same with math and general knowledge. Math was a complete joke in high school. I fell asleep in class because it was way too easy and boring.

I would consider my strengths to be creativity, language, visual comprehension, and problem solving. Not so much critical reasoning.

So on the other hand, I can think outside of the box really, really well. In debates, I would be able to think of things no one else has thought of. In tight situations, I can find the best way out. I can come up with concepts and projects that are exceptionally brilliant.

But, this also means I can't manipulate people too well. I would have to think ahead of the game a few steps. And like I said, I can't take too many steps at once. I also have a poor memory, so that doesn't help too much when trying to double cross someone.

I know that if I took an "official" IQ test, I would score a lot lower than I think I would. Because of my stupid logic skills.

In conclusion, I am overall, very content with who I am, no matter what any IQ test would say.

^^

2007-12-16T16:37:00.000-08:00

winter break books:

...we'll see how many i actually get through..

death be not proud
thousand pieces of gold
kiki strike: inside the shadow city
what happened to cass mcbride
complete short stories of ernest hemingway
~~girls' guide to hunting and fishing~~
wind-up bird chronicle
clay walls
scent of the gods
night of many dreams
the samurai's garden

+

old issues of the new yorker

i've been away from the soul-fulfilling fantasies of the fiction and nonfiction literature universe for far too long.

^^

~book nerd

Monthly rent

2007-12-15T21:44:00.001-08:00

I had a lovely day of the usual shopping with my mom: a pepper of bickering to flavor the tone. After hard feelings simmered and then evaporated, I saw a beautiful Coach and Michael Kors bag.

My heart twinged. The price was about $600 for the first and $300.

The both combined could pay for pretty much 2 months' worth of apartment rent for me.

I'm not poor--I think I'm about upper middle class; but still, something about that sum of money disgusts me. It's not like I can just drop $600 to buy a hand bag.

I don't despise the rich. I just felt that disparity that so distinctly separates social class.

The S Word

2007-07-21T17:15:00.001-07:00

So... school starts in about a month. Excited? I most def am.

1. cooking. 'say goodbye' to undercooked/overcooked cafeteria food. i'll be making my own yummy asian food. hells yeah. and y'all can come over.

2. my own apartment! (sharing with 3 other people). but yay can't wait to get artsyfartsy with the decoration!! sooo excited.

3. journalism classes. upperclassmen might say Grrr to this, but yeah i'm really excited for my core journo classes... finally get down to business.

4. seeing what God will do in tcf and across campus. we definitely need to collaborate more with the other christian fellowships @ 'sc... so much can be done if we worked more closely together. ohhh yeah and the initiation of justice project team :] soo excited for community service projects while having fun, touching other people's lives.

5. journo stuff. bamboo offshoot, dt, atvn, cu@usc--- yeah i'm doing it all. or i really really want to. you meet the most amazing people in journalism. and i love writing/talking to people.

6. my favorite socal people. midnight red ninjas! ... yeeaaaaahhhhh.

7. being excited. it's such a great.. natural.. *high*

8. the beach. getting even tanner, wearing a hot swimsuit << pftt..

9. late nights doing whatever, procrastinating, crashing at people's places, 2am snacks (hahaha)

10. you :]

Xilinx Five sends books to primary schools

2007-06-22T23:36:00.000-07:00

Literacy rates benefit from Botswana 100

Helping Hands: Cambrian residents and brothers Adam (left) and Austen Blease carry a box of donated books for the African Library Project.

By Dominique Fong

Neglected nursery books gathering dust on the shelves have a new home. Connected by a common desire to give, a team of students, schools and a local business cleaned out children’s dictionaries, wacky Dr. Seuss stories and picture books from their shelves. All 5,515 books were boxed tight, headed for Botswana, Africa.

What began as one book drive soon became a community-wide mission.

The African Library Project, an organization dedicated to building libraries to raise literacy in Africa, was the first thing that came to eighth-grader Austen Blease’s mind when his leadership class needed to organize a fundraiser.

The Cambrian area resident was already friends with the daughter of Chris Bradshaw, the founder of the project, in his former home school group. When Bradshaw noticed the insufficiency of libraries after a trip to Africa two years ago, she conducted a book drive in her home school community.

“The [library] system is very simple. Think cardboard box. But if you’ve never had a library, it’s not that simple,” Bradshaw says.

Recognizing how privileged Americans can be to have a surplus of books while children in the country Botswana are lacking classroom supplies, Austen saw an opportunity to fulfill a need.

“We’re so much better off than they are. I just wanted to help,” Austen says.

Austen and his classmates put a brief in the daily announcements and made posters asking for book donations. Soon, the collection box at Union Middle School’s office received a steady flow of books.

Gathering them was only the first step. Austen and his leadership group sorted the books to meet the kindergarten through fourth-grade reading level criteria. To remain culturally sensitive, Disney books and stories about American holidays could not be sent. Encyclopedias, friendship stories, children’s dictionaries, atlases and math books were welcomed.

Because Botswana schools teach English, students can use the donated books to learn how to read.

Intrigued by his brother’s project, sophomore Adam Blease, 16, began a book drive at Leigh High School as well.

Meanwhile, another student, 14-year-old Isabelle Nguyen, was making plans to earn her silver award, the highest award a Cadet can achieve in Girl Scouting. When her mother suggested the African Library Project, which works closely with Girl Scouts, Isabelle chose it to fulfill one of the prerequisites of the award.

All three students, with the encouragement of their parents, approached Xilinx, Inc., headquartered in the Cambrian area of San Jose, for financial support in shipping the books to Africa.

Austen and Adam’s father Alex is an employee at Xilinx, as is Isabelle’s mother Thuy Do.

Xilinx, a leader in the digital programmable logic device market, offered to pay for all the shipping costs, becoming the project’s first corporate sponsor. The tech company took the idea one step further and incorporated the project into its Educational Ecosystem.

Started in January 2007, the Educational Ecosystem funds nonprofit educational programs for students at Oster Elementary School, Union Middle School and Leigh High School.

Patty Nation, Xilinx’s global community relations manager, oversees Educational Ecosystem and thought that since book drives were already being held at Union and Leigh, Oster should be included in the project.

“We put the Ecosystem in practice. There’s no money figure on the cycle of giving,” says Nation.

Together, the newly coined Xilinx Five—the Blease brothers, Isabelle, Oster and Xilinx—joined time and talents for Botswana 100, the latest endeavor of the African Library Project.

Bordered by South Africa, Zimbabwe and Namibia, Botswana is working toward the goal of reducing illiteracy by 50 percent by 2015, according to the African Library Project.

The goal of Botswana 100 is to fill 100 primary school libraries with at least 100,000 books by this fall.

In return, the African communities that the project serves must demonstrate sustainability by providing space for books. Each primary school collaborating with the project will also have a teacher in library training at the University of Botswana.

“It’s truly a grassroots, organic, integrated effort,” says Bradshaw. “We all depend on each other to make it happen. It’s an example of community building.”

Within three months, the Xilinx Five collectively raised enough books to fill and even overflow five primary school libraries in the South District of Botswana.

About 200 books overall did not meet the criteria and were donated to InnVision and Sunday Friends, organizations that provide services for low-income families.

When Xilinx approached Oster Elementary School and teacher Dawn Ullmakr to include them in the project, Ullmakr said it was a little overwhelming because she was given one week's notice. She immediately sent flyers home and, through the efforts of parents and students alike, collected about 1,500 books.

When Matloklakgang Primary School receives their books, they will be surprised to see heartening letters written by Ullmark’s fourth grade class.

Africa was made very real to them when their classmate Lira described that the amount of books in their classroom outnumbered those in her entire school in Cameroon.

“It’s hard for [the class] to really understand where literacy is a problem,” Ullmark says. “This [project] made them aware of how fortunate they are.”

The ambitious Girl Cout Isabelle collected 1,100 books in less than a month, approaching friends at her school, Andrew Hill High School, and her family to donate books.

Packing Books: Xilinx's shipping department paid for the costs of sending the books to Africa. Mother-daughter duo (from left) Thuy Do and Isabelle Nguyen pack and tape the boxes together.

Because the Girl Scout organization did not allow her to give away the $140 she received in donations, she bought laminated world maps and presented them to Bradshaw for use in Botswana primary school classrooms. By the fall, she will know if all her efforts have earned her the silver award.

The mission of Botswana 100 is far from over. Up to now, enough books have filled 47 libraries, meaning 53,000 more books are needed to complete the mission.

In August, Bradshaw will attend the South African for International Federation of Library Associations conference held in Durban, South Africa. A documentary film crew will accompany her as she visits the libraries that the African Library Project has helped erect.

The Xilinx Five’s unique partnership for the project has made an international impact, bridging families and organizations in America with African schools.

“It was a level of commitment…the children knew they could make a difference in a far off country,” says Tina Blease, the mother of Austen and Adam.

Seeing that the fruits of the community’s labor have transformed into something real and valuable for over 2,000 students makes Botswana seem not so far off, after all.

Donate your books:

Books can be donated and dropped off to Botswana 100 at these locations:

Kepler’s Bookstore

1010 El Camino Real, Menlo Park

From July 3-13, at the following Tech Credit Union locations:

2010 N. First St. (at Brokaw), San Jose

10051 S. De Anza Blvd., Cupertino

1230 Oakmead Parkway (at Lakeside), Sunnyvale

Music is Therapeutic

2007-06-07T23:28:00.000-07:00

Here's the question people ask when they're bored and stuck somewhere they don't want to be, like a road trip: Would you rather be blind or deaf?

I'd rather be blind. I would give up my love of art--of Van Gogh, Monet, street art, Matisse--for the privilege of hearing. I believe that art and visual scenery moves you just as much as any other Grand Canyon, but losing the ability to enjoy the guitar riffs of Guns 'N' Roses' "Sweet Child o Mine" or the flow of Chopin's etudes and nocturnes or the jolliness of Broadway hits or the thunderous beat of hip-hop limits my appreciation for life.

When you're all by your lonesome in the desert somewhere or sitting in your dorm room wishing you had a significant other, you'll just pick up your guitar and strum your loneliness away.

When you just broke up with the guy you thought was special and much more, you turn on some good ol' R&B.

When you're nervous for a presentation or a speech, you listen to some feel-good pump-me-up dance music to get that adrenaline going.

When you're lying on your back, thinking about how summer is boring, it's likely you have some mellow music playing.

You can't miss the rhythm of good music shaking your body and every feeling inside of you.

For me, when I'm about to cram for an exam or scribbling an essay, I play Chopin, Beethoven, or Rachmaninoff--some good classical music. In fact, it's difficult for me to study without music playing in the background. Music is my fuel, my juice, my motivation. It is also my best friend and comforter.

So when it gets too quiet around the house, turn on some music.

You'll feel better.

Camille Rose Garcia - Art

2007-05-31T23:04:00.000-07:00

By chance, I stumbled across the haunting landscapes of Camille Rose Garcia's Art. Her artwork is macabre and beautifully sculpted.

Underneath the cutesy fantasy creatures, a political awareness of the dark side of man--greed, corruption and violence--appears in the eerie details of the paintings.

From her "Tragic Kingdom" collection at the San Jose Museum of Art:

Her fantasy worlds are social commentaries. For example, this is a description of "Subterranean Death Clash" from her website.

Subterranean Death Clash, shown in 2006 at the Jonathan Levine Gallery in New York. Using narrative and fairytale structures, Camille Rose Garcia's latest work, Subterranean Death Clash, explores a futuristic scenario in which an overpopulated, overdeveloped world is forced to move underground. The Royal Disorder, led by General Disorder and his army of poison bottles and castles, slash and burn their way through many different underworlds until they dig their way into the final cavern, the Land of the Dead. There they battle cave swans and death armies in a final Subterranean Death Clash

And here's a painting:

I absolutely adore her work.

From her "Ultraviolenceland" collection.

Ultraviolenceland, created in 2004 for the Merry Karnowsky Gallery in Los Angeles, steals its name from the book "A Clockwork Orange", which uses the word to describe recreational violence. Ultaviolenceland is a horribly backwards fantasyland, rich and excessive. The gold castles are an obvious symbol of empire, and the bloodsucking vampires are a parasitical army that feeds on violence and destruction. The dark forest surrounding Ultraviolenceland symbolizes subconcious fear, things we can't control, while inside the city princesses trapped in giant dresses slash wrists and down pills, not entirely happy with their pristine but ultraviolent world.

Summer Reading List - You can call me bookworm

2007-05-25T16:52:00.000-07:00

You can call me Bookworm.

I love books. I love reading them for pleasure and if I'm in the mood, for literature analysis. When I grew up, I was one of those "nerdy" kids who was ahead of her class in reading difficulty because I read all the time. No boxcar children/babysitters' club wussy stuff for me. Oh no--I read the cool stuff like the Phantom Tollbooth and the Hardy Boys.

After visiting the Saratoga library today, I came home loaded with 10 fiction and nonfiction books.

THE DIVINE COMEDY . DANTE
POEMS BY ROBERT FROST . FROST
THE NAKED SUN . ISSAC ASIMOV
POEMS . MAYA ANGELOU
THREE FATES . NORA ROBERTS
HOT ICE . NORA ROBERTS
LUST FOR LIFE . IRVING STONE
SULA . TONI MORRISON
BRAVE NEW WORLD . ALDOUS HUXLEY
AT A JOURNAL WORKSHOP . IRA PROGOFF

and not including the book I absolutely have to finish: ATLAS SHRUGGED . AYN RAND

This list should last me the whole summer. Some of the stuff seems really deep and heavy. Without a literature discussion, I probably won't be able to fully comprehend all the subtleties and meanings of each book. That's what background tools like Sparknotes and Cliffnotes are for. We'll see how far I get. Look forward to book reviews.

listening to // your song . moulin rouge
feeling // excited to do all the things that I've planned for before summer zips by

Internet gaming: Word games

2007-05-23T14:27:00.000-07:00

When I think of verbosity, a particular scene from V for Vendetta comes to mind--when "V" spews out a long list of difficult vocabulary:

V: [Evey pulls out her mace] I can assure you I mean you no harm.
Evey Hammond: Who are you?
V: Who? Who is but the form following the function of what and what I am is a man in a mask.
Evey Hammond: Well I can see that.
V: Of course you can. I'm not questioning your powers of observation I'm merely remarking upon the paradox of asking a masked man who he is.
Evey Hammond: Oh. Right.
V: But on this most auspicious of nights, permit me then, in lieu of the more commonplace sobriquet, to suggest the character of this dramatis persona.
V: Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.
[carves V into poster on wall]
V: The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.
[giggles]
V: Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.

Vendetta, by the way, means an often prolonged series of retaliatory, vengeful, or hostile acts or exchange of such acts.

I've always longed to have eloquent diction, but I've grown used to speaking colloquially. However, to compensate for the gap between my desire and reality, I've invested my free time in my favorite online games. I don't learn new words, but my skill at thinking critically has quickly developed.

Text Twist

Available on Yahoo Games, I often spent an hour a day playing it. I never got too far until one day I managed to solve four or four rounds, earning me a high score of about 15000. It's an incredibly simply game that requires you to unscramble and re-scramble six letters into as many words as possible. A valid word needs to have three letters or more.

A good brain exercise.

If you're competitive, try Word Racer.

It's similar, but you compete against someone else. You have to find as many words as possible in this crossword puzzle. For example, I found "RAN." You can't get points for a word your opponent already got. So this game is kind of frantic... but fun.

And then there's the all-time favorite board game, Scrabble,

which one of my aunts has mastered. I'm astounded at the number of words she knows.

These games don't necessarily improve your vocabulary, but they force you to think creatively in a short amount of time, and you'll start seeing words in a completely new way.

Paintings

2007-05-23T14:05:00.000-07:00

Stage 1

Stage 2

Stage 3

Final

This is a painting I finished last year for some family friends, the second sunflower painting I've made.

Frankly, I don't like this one as much as my first one, which I made for my parents for Christmas two years ago:

The hues of the colors are more dull (I purposely made the second painting brighter). In real-life, the canvas is bigger too. It hangs above our fireplace now. I painted this actually from a photograph my dad had taken in Loctudy, France. Near Madame Blanchard's place, there were huge fields of sunflowers. Even though the weather was dim, I couldn't help but be amazed at the sunflowers' brilliance.

One of my goals this summer is to boost my creativity and really develop it. Several things: art, piano, writing, business. I feel really restless and excited at all the possibilities and dreams I can make reality if I stayed committed until the end of summer.

Today, I've been working on a pastel drawing of my favorite shoes. We will see how that fares.

reading // atlas shrugged
buying // on writing well

Tomorrow, I will be officially starting my internship. I'm a little apprehensive, but that's probably because I really want to impress my employers. I'll be working for the Cupertino Courier and the Sunnyvale Sun.

What angers me is the fact that amidst the rush of packing, moving out of the dorm, and studying for finals, I forgot to bring back home two books that would have been very helpful for a budding journalist: The Elements of Style and the AP Stylebook on Media and Law. My gut kind of churns at the remembrance of my own forgetfulness. AUGH! Why am I so careless?? What annoys me the most is that my writing will suffer because I forgot these two books.

Entrance Essay to USC

2007-05-07T11:26:00.000-07:00

1. The 18th century French philosopher Denis Diderot said, “Only passions, great passions can elevate the soul to great things.” Describe one of your passions and reflect on how it has contributed to your personal growth.

When people ask me what my most valuable possession is, I easily respond, “my bed.” An unusual answer, but rightfully meaningful. The yellow bed used to be tucked up right against the wall that had a black upright Yamaha piano on the other side of it. Ten years ago, my mom used to play the piano to lull me and my brothers to sleep, sometimes until ten o’clock, way past my bedtime. Lying awake in bed, with the covers up to my nose, I could hear the melodies of Chopin’s “Nocturne in E-flat Major” and Schumann’s “Traumerei” sifting through the wall, gently settling on my eyelids, awakening my fingers. Thanks to my mom’s classical lullabies, at age seven I played my first musical note. I could not resist the charm of those eighty-eight keys.

Like every beginner learns, “Mary Had a Little Lamb” was one of the first pieces I played, but I had no emotional attachment yet. The song was typical and boring. I complacently and ignorantly banged the black and white keys, thinking I was making music. But they were only blank notes.

Then, what does it take for a beginner to become a musician? There’s disciplined practice, which I tried to follow. Unlike an essay, I couldn’t cram for a piano lesson. Everything is cumulative: the memorization, the intricate technique, and most importantly, the expression. My teacher began a sticker dot system to keep track of how many hours her students practiced, and awarded them with pens, candy, and even fifty-cent coins. I wanted that coin, so I improved my practicing, but piece after piece flew through my fingers and my mom complained that they sounded sorely incomplete. She suggested that I make the melodies sing. Cantante. Bring out the melody, connect to the piece. My mom’s words aggravated me, teasing that I had the ability to do mechanical scales perfectly but not make music that touched people.

At my next recital, I trembled. Being naturally shy, I was not a little terrified to perform. When the person before me sat down and the clapping ended, I walked up to the black Yamaha grand piano, bowed, and sat down on the bench. When I began playing Burgmuller’s “L’Orage” (The Storm), my fingers were icy cold and stiff from anxiety and slight nausea. However, by the end of the piece, I had composed a furious story of rumbling thunder and clouds, raging lightning, slashing rain, and finally a calm array of sunlight. Anxiety crumbled into passion, a small fire that welded my emotions to my fingers. It was pure enjoyment. If I loved my music, my audience would too.

When I entered middle school, the fire that had surged in “L’Orage” seemed to translate into rebellion, a defiant closure that hid my feelings so there was no vulnerability. I started to be reclusive, especially toward my own mom.

She had gone through radiation therapy for the malignant tumor near her inner ear, and I was at first completely clueless of what she had survived through. A short while later, she once again taught me how to become a musician. This time, I didn’t have to sing. As I was playing random pieces from Movie Love Songs, she sat down next to me and asked if she could play the left hand accompaniment while I played the right hand melody. We started with “Beauty and the Beast.” Years of lack of piano practice from taking care of our family and recent exhaustion from the radiation therapy had made her hand coordination and sight reading poor, even though she received quick and well healing from God. I was overwhelmed with choking empathy at our shared vulnerability. All hidden resentment vanished and I saw a soothing side of my mom that I didn’t usually see. She was laughing and having fun, not caring that our notes—sometimes the wrong ones—didn’t match with the rhythm and the beats. I allowed myself to open up to my mom by encouraging us to continue playing. All in all, the song sounded pretty terrible, but in that moment of lightheartedness my passion for the piano increased even more. I smiled. Together, we made music.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is the original unedited essay I submitted for my USC application. Occasionally, I read over old essays for personal enjoyment and for an introspective assessment of the growth of my writing. Reading my entrance essay again, it sounds kind of cheesy and overdone in some areas. But the most important thing was that it was honest.

I've been officially playing piano for 10 years (not including this year in college), but now I realize that I took keyboard lessons before actual piano lessons, so if that counts it's more like 11 years. And including this year (haha...) it's 12 years.

The first time I heard piano, it was in kindergarten. I remember the name of the song but not the name of my teacher. That's how powerful the sound of piano impacted me. It was "A Land Before Time." I asked my teacher to play it during a break in class. It became my background music, as I went along and played. She stopped playing, asking if people were even listening. I protested yes, I'm listening, keep playing! From that point forward, I begged my parents to let me play piano. We got a real piano when I was around 6 or 7. And then...years of piano lessons and piano practice later... I'm here in college, angry that I don't have a decent keyboard or piano to play on. Once in a while I pass by PIC, but all the music majors/minors reserved the rooms during specific times.

The pianos in the lobbies are beyond inadequate and functional. How do you expect a musician to play on a piece of trash?

My writing has improved, thanks in part to all the essays I've been writing this year. After all, the best way to learn as a beginner is by imitation. The best way to improve skills is to practice: edit, edit, and edit again.

doing . PACKING
playing . BELLE // BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

SPIDER-MAN 3 review

2007-05-05T16:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I had the opportunity of seeing Spider-man 3, the third (unfortunate) installment of the Spider-man saga. I enjoyed the first two movies, which were filled with just the right amount of adventure, action, and romance packed for a tight storyline. Spider-man 3 failed to maintain even a plausible storyline. As one critic said, suspend your belief--expect the most bizarre twists thrown in at the last second.

Judging from the perspective of someone who expected the movie to be somewhat corny and live up to its mediocre blockbuster quality, I still found the movie to be unbearable for several justifiable reasons:

1) Poor storyline. There were several plot lines and subplots running together, creating a jumpy, scattered effect. It left me feeling detached from the movie.

a) Peter Parker defeating evil villains (Harry Osborn, Venom, Sandman) b) Peter Parker and MJ c) Peter Parker and his intense desire to avenge Uncle Ben d) Peter Parker and his best friend Harry Osborn e) photographer's ambition and thirst for revenge against Parker g) the Sandman's need to save his daughter from her illness.

The movie missed the flow of the last two films. It was empty, devoid of feeling except for several poignant moments, like the last twenty minutes of the movie, when Harry takes a fatal hit for Spider-man, sacrificing his life for his best friend. The more serious moments with MJ and Peter I think sometimes there is a need to keep villains bad and heroes good. Somehow, this movie had too many themes of redemption. One or two powerful tales of redemption instead of four characters being redeemed impacts the audience with a lasting impression.

2) Unnecessary awkward moments. I assume that because Tobey Maguire's comedic stunt in S-2 (when Peter feels good, dancing along, the screen freezes for 3 seconds on his jolly, smiling face) worked, the producers decided to shove 10 similar stunts into S-3. I couldn't help thinking that the writers and producers were pulling jokes on the audience. The flippant and whimsical tone of Peter's Broadway dancing and singing was overdone and made me want to cringe. I approve of the squeaky door, though. It was cute, simple, and...funny.

3) Romance. Technically, romance falls under storyline, but the distasteful manner deserves its own category. The romance degrade to the frivolity of a soap opera. MJ hooking up with Peter, MJ kissing Harry, Peter kissing Gwen. It's a dizzying circle that keeps rewinding itself. Too many secrets and plot twists thrown into one movie. Fortunately, Harry dies at the end so Peter ends up with MJ anyway.

I enjoyed Bruce Campbell's performance as the host of the restaurant. And of course, the appearance of executive producer and Marvel's genius Stan Lee's.

There was absolutely no need to have Spider-man flip, land, and bounce off into the air with the background image of a large American flag.

One last note of criticism: Peter's slightly gelled hair flopped down over the right side of his face, George Mcfly status. Extremely unattractive.

Despite the depravity of the movie, I still adore Spider-man. Peter Parker's "nerdiness" and innocent, amateur social skills starkly contrast his masculine, heroic persona, which is a contradiction that is still extremely appealing. Peter's courage to endure through his internal and external struggles while still maintaining his child-like charm. Spider-man, you are still my hero... after Batman.

Overall grade: B-

craving . pho
playing . SUMMER RAIN // MICHAEL GETTEL

shoes that drive me insane

2007-05-04T20:31:00.001-07:00

To begin my post, I present these T-strap "mary jane" leather sandals. I don't know why but I'm infatuated with them. The beige/white combination is really "in" and visually appealing this summer. Very relaxing. The design of the beige makes the shoe unboring. (Anthroplogie)

Slouchy "stone" colored boots. I'm not a big fan of boots (probably because I don't know how to wear them), but they're elegant and the heel isn't too high. (Urban Outfitters)

Somehow, the seemingly bizarre lavender shade of these pumps is really attractive. (Urban Outfitters)

For a casual, everyday-wear feel. I can picture myself sitting in a rocking chair outside with these shoes on, watching the sunset fade away with a glass of lemonade by my right hand.
(Urban Outfitters)

leather sandals. these would match well with denim, something blue-ish, or something white.
(Urban Outfitters)

These are innovative, chunky platforms yet simple. You would look slim with capris, shorts, or a nice summer dress.
left- italian leather platforms right- closeup (Urban Outfitters)

Bullying

2007-04-26T16:24:00.000-07:00

I work with two children pretty closely at my job as a USC Readers Plus tutor: Maddessen Ivy and Dwayne Randolph, both in 2nd grade, both black.

Both of their teachers consider them as below grade level in terms of reading and writing. My job is to encourage them as their mentor and as their academic tutor. Both have improved, although Ms. Murphy wants to hold Maddessen back in 2nd grade. But that's a whole other story.

Let me try to paint Maddessen in words. If Maddessen were to draw herself, she would draw a triangular dress with circles for breasts, hot dog arms, a round face, and pointy high heels. That's the way she draws all females, including me. To describe Maddessen in a couple adjectives: dorky, socially awkward, annoying, bright, hyperactive, intelligent, strong comprehensive skills.

She wears glasses and has gaps in her teeth that are buck-like. Her braids are unkempt. She's constantly knocking papers, books, or pencils over. She lives in another world, oblivious to her surroundings. She won't notice the fact that she is smearing her dress with chalk when she rubs against the chalkboard, but she will remember and understand a story pretty well.

She's also exactly the type of kid that other kids love to make fun of. She doesn't have any close friends, not in her class or in after school. They find her a nuisance and an embarrassment.

Today, I decided to take her out for a treat at Burger King. (Check this: a preppy Asian girl hanging with a dorky black girl in South Central) I bought her a small vanilla milkshake.

While we were waiting for the food, a group of black girls sitting at a table laughed at her. The older girl, snotty, said, "Whatchyou doin' Maddessen. Stop tryin' to pull that chair out."

I glanced at them, saw that I was outnumbered by about 5 or 6 to one, and didn't say anything. Maddessen did something kind of silly. She took off her glasses and made the "I'm looking at you" look with two fingers in a peace sign, pointing at her eyes and then pointing at the girls. They only laughed at her more.

To my shame, I didn't do anything. I'm a passive-aggressive person. If I can avoid confrontation, I will. But after they said that, I thought about what I could have said or could still say.

Dominique: "STOP MAKING FUN OF HER! SHE DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE MADE FUN OF, not by YOU or anyone else. Come on Maddessen, get your milkshake and let's go."

What really happened:

"Come on Maddessen... do you have your milkshake? Okay, let's go."

I didn't hug Maddessen or say anything to the girls. I just ignored them.

I don't that I necessarily should have said something. I think I should have comforted Maddessen, taken her under my arms and ignored what anyone else thought. But I still feel a little guilty, slightly angry at my own passive-aggressiveness and inability to stand up for what I believe even in a trivial situation like this.

So what will it take to make me actually stand up? How much bullying would you or I take or witness before we lash back with what is right and good?

virginia tech

2007-04-17T22:24:00.000-07:00

-Scratch Don Imus for this post, there's something more important-

Virginia Tech is in you and me.

The shooting that happened yesterday at about 9:45 in the morning was a reminder that life is made all the more precious in the immediate face of death.

33 people died, victims of Cho Seung-Hui's violent rampage.

These were people who were in class, innocent and unaware of the death they were about to face. The mass murdering is a horrific scene, where the murderer is also a victim.

Cho killed himself afterward. He was described as an antisocial loner who wrote some disturbing plays for his creative writing class. His professor referred him to counselor, but he never proceeded with it.

Apparently, his motives were filled with revenge at "rich kids," "debauchery" and "deceitful charlatans." We will never know now.

I'm kind of wondering the same question that's in the back of all of our minds: what could have produced such a monster? Was he the victim of society? Should the mass terror he produced ultimately be blamed on the trappings of our society?

In some sense, I don't believe that society is totally responsible. Individuals have their choices to make and our society currently has the right to judge them by that (thanks to our beautiful judiciary system).

I do think that if Cho was still alive, he would definitely be sentenced to life without parole. The emotions that he felt do not give him the right to take the lives of 30 other students.

He is not a martyr for his cause. We can belittle him all we want, that it wasn't really his fault. But in the end, we have to remember that this was a senseless, cruel mass murder.

For a catch up on the news:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070417/ap_on_re_us/virginia_tech_day_of_hell_2